Zexytime, Part Two: A Key to How I Write About It

When I review a Romance novel, I generally include a line or two about the Heat level. I include emojis to indicate how hot it is on a point scale of one to five, plus a brief explanation.

My points scale (in emojis):

🌋 Zexytime scenes are almost repellent

🌋🌋 Fizzles rather than Sizzles

🌋🌋🌋 Decent amount of spice. May be average, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

🌋🌋🌋🌋 Pretty dang hot, with some extra spicy scenes and some less spicy scenes

🌋🌋🌋🌋🌋 Whoo, Lordy! All the scenes are hot and I have to ice down my Kindle. And get a fan.

☢️☢️☢️☢️☢️- TOTAL hotness of every Zexytime scene, to the point where I have to ice myself down and question my life choices.

I even use half points (1🌋=2 ☄️), so if the Zexytime is hotter than average without Super Spice (one of the lost Spice Girls), then my rating might be 🌋🌋🌋☄️. Or if I’m feeling really quirky and I want to give quarter points, 🌋🌋🌋☄️🔥, in which one volcano 🌋 = 2 fireballs ☄️ = 4 flames 🔥. But I have to be either in a goofy mood or in a very judgmental mood to use the flame 🔥. (Damn, I do love my emojis. Don’t you just love the one for Nesting Doll? 🪆)

Of course, these are all very much subjective, and YMMV. So I try to narrow it down a bit and get specific:

• They do the thing(s) without naming the parts.

• They do the thing(s) and name the parts .

• They do the thing(s) and use the P word whilst naming the parts.

• They do the thing(s) and use the C word whilst naming the parts.

• They visit Australia (meaning one or both partners spends some time going “down under”)

• They do all the things and use all of the C words whilst describing the parts.

• They do the thing(s) and a _______ kink is involved (fill in the blank).

I might change it up a little:

“This review is brought to you by the letter C, and by the letters B, D, S, and M.”

“Give me a B! Give me a D! Give me an S! Give me an M!”

“The letters P and C do not stand for “Politically Correct” in this novel.”

I also state whether a book is Safe or not. Safe means different things to different people, but it always means no cheating. Other readers may want to know if there’s Other Man/Woman Drama (OWD or OMD). A reader may want to know if a book contains S.A. They may even want to know if the hero and heroine are celibate from the time they meet up until they time they get together. I use the term Safe to indicate that there is no cheating and no S.A. Just as everyone’s triggers vary, so do their definitions of safety. There’s a huge community on Goodreads of people who prefer to read Safe Romance exclusively, and probably as many people who don’t care if it’s Safe or not. No shame in either position. Just as there’s no shame in having or not having a particular trigger.

I really try not to kink shame. My eyebrows may hit my hairline ( okay, my eyebrows won’t hit my hairline because I get Botox for migraine. If I ever shave my head I will have a beautifully youthful scalp, but the important thing is it helps me not feel like gnomes in cleats are kicking the shit out of my brain and eyeballs). I may be surprised, or I may reread a passage because the kink therein is a new one on me but no kink shame as long as the participants are over 18 and animals aren’t involved. And that the acts are safe, sane, and consensual.

With such a vast range of Romance, not to mention the sheer volume of it out there, you can bet that you can find a book that speaks to your heart. Or to something a bit lower.  If there’s a kink, you can bet that someone has written a Romance novel featuring it. (And lucky you, you have reviewers like me ready to specify.) Use your imagination: read smut. Or as a wise woman said, “I don’t watch porn; I read it like a fucking lady.” And sometimes it’s fun to be very ladylike indeed….